5. This is a tough question but I’m going to ask it because I hear a lot from DV women victims about ‘HE did this and the HE did that…’A woman even said ‘I have 5 children because HE wouldn’t wear a condom.’ If you were to apportion blame between the 2 of you what would it be? 50/50? 70/30? 80/20?
This is difficult to answer.
I have to take responsibility for my own actions, and so I can’t blame it all on him. I should have walked away.
But while I can say it’s my own fault I ended up pregnant with his child – I did, after all, come off the pill of my own free will, and accept his complete refusal to use condoms – I can’t take responsibility for his actions. The fact of the matter is that while I went into that relationship looking for love and companionship, he went into it looking for someone to domineer and control. He had 6 kids at home who needed someone to clean up after them. He wanted more children and he wanted sex whenever he felt like it. The fact he was able to mould me into that role is not my fault; I was ill when I met him, and once he’d got me pregnant, he had me where he wanted me.
6. Do you think it helps to see yourself not just as a victim but potentially as a co conspirator or not? I say this because I have lived in countries where women have zero control over the decisions made in their lives. Great Britain for most women is not one of them. Women have choices. Should they stop saying ‘HE did this’ and ‘HE did that’ and say’ this is what I did? This is what I allowed?’
I think it’s dangerous to start saying “This is what I allowed, this is what I did.” That’s like telling a woman in a short skirt it’s her fault she was raped. We all have the right to walk around this world without anyone maliciously coming along with the intention of hurting or degrading us.
I was completely under this man’s spell. He did some terrible things to me, which I have still never told anyone and probably never will.
The babysitter he got pregnant was also fairly mentally unstable and lacking in self-esteem.
The girl he replaced me with when he left is anorexic.
Men like this never go for the perfectly stable, strong woman – because they know they can’t win against that.
In the situation I was in, I had no control over my life. Even down to how I washed – he would come into the bathroom, squirt antibacterial Fairy liquid onto the sponge, and have me stand in the bath while he scrubbed my skin raw. I allowed him to do that, and even asked him to on occasion, because I believed he knew better than me. I believed him when he told me I smelled bad, and that I had spots because I wasn’t washing properly; I had better let him take control of that as well, since he clearly knew better than me. He did that to me; nobody else I have ever known has ever told me I smelled bad, or that I was spotty because I wasn’t washing properly, and should have them do it for me. He got me to that point, mentally, that I accepted whatever he said and did.
Whilst that makes me disgusted now, it’s very important to remember that it wasn’t my fault.
7. I like the idea of accountability because it puts control back into the hands of women, rather than making them solely victims. So rather than ask you for a list of signs to watch out for in an abusive partner, (which can be found on your blog) I would prefer to ask for a list of signs that a woman is likely to be susceptible to glossing over and excusing domestic violence, until it’s too late.
I think mental health is a big issue here. If a woman is vulnerable she is more likely to be sucked into an abusive relationship, and to believe it’s all her own fault. <– Ed’s note: red flag ladies!
People are very good at hiding their issues though. I was having problems for months before my boss finally sent me away and told me to get myself signed off work. Perhaps other people could have seen what was to come more clearly than I could, from the position I was in.
Looking back, I often think “Why didn’t you tell me, if you could see it, why didn’t you tell me?!” but then I remember – some people did tell me. I went straight back and told him what these people were saying about him behind his back. And that became my fault too – “your family all hate me because you’ve told them a pack of lies about me.”
8. My cures for DV women would be awareness, self esteem and accountability. What would yours be?
I think there needs to be a lot more support and understanding available. There’s a massive culture of “it’s your own stupid fault” and that’s just not helpful.
When he finally left, I would tell my friends some of the things he’d said and done, and a lot of the responses I got were along the lines of “that’s just what men are like.” Our culture is teaching women to put up or shut up. Men are just like that, and women just have to live with it.
When I was pregnant, in the pack of leaflets they gave me there was a tiny, credit card sized leaflet. On one side was “Mr Wrong” with a list of things he will do – like sulking, glaring, shouting, calling you names. On the other side is “Mr Right” and a list of things a non-abusive man will do, like being consistent and supportive, telling you you look good, using your name.
Giving those out to pregnant women is shutting the stable door when the horse has long since bolted – we should be giving these leaflets out in schools, and teaching young women not to ever accept abusive behaviour, in any form, from any man, ever. No exceptions.
Read a similar list here.
9. What will you tell your daughter about your experiences when she is old enough and do you think she will listen to you?
I think this is going to be the most difficult thing of all. How do you ever tell your child that her father is a monster? I need to find a way to explain to her why her father is not in her life, and why I will not allow him to be near her – but without ever making her feel that she was ever, even for a second, not wanted or not loved. I have no idea how I’m going to do that.
Ed’s note: Just tell her straight when a good opportunity arises. My father was even worse, (yes it’s possible!) It will be your actions towards her, the love in her upbringing, that tells her she is loved more than any words you can put together. During my upbringing, my mother’s actions ensured that I actually felt better off without a father. Children are often wiser and more resilient than we think.
10. A friend of yours is obviously experiencing DV but is in denial, ‘I fell down the stairs…’ etc. Knowing what you know now, how would you help her?
For me, I felt that I was making a big fuss over nothing, and that my health visitor was stupid for making me go to the counselling sessions she sent me to.
And then they gave us all a handout with a list of things a sexual abuser will say or do. And it was like a checklist for the last 12 months of my life.
I think being able to read a list of things like that, written by someone who has never even met or heard of the man who is abusing you, is a massive eye opener. I cried when I read that list, and realised that I wasn’t mad after all.
11. One of our Discussion Board Panelists suggested that women who insist on excusing DV actually like ‘a bit of slap and tickle with a fist,’ if they didn’t they wouldn’t put up with it. Men are being sent this message that it is actually rather enjoyed, even if in a kind of masochistic way. Is there some truth to what he thinks? Help him understand your take on this. What say you?
See the Discussion here.
This is where the whole “50 Shades of Grey” argument comes in, and it’s infuriating. Women are routinely being sold the image of an abusive relationship (like in the book) as the dream, the ideal, what everyone wants. So then they expect it, and when they’re in the middle of it, they don’t understand why they feel so uneasy about it.
I think culture these days has gotten everything so confused.
I was threatened with knives, publicly groped, degraded, pushed, shoved, called names. And a lot more besides. And still, when he got the other girl pregnant, I had a long conversation with my sister in law about how it was all my own fault; I had driven him to sleep with her, I had been a bad girlfriend.
Men who are good at this sort of thing, will make a woman believe she deserves it. It’s her own fault. With or without a bruise, a hand mark across her face or a missing tooth, she believes she has brought it on herself and that is why she excuses it a million times, to a million different people. It doesn’t make it right, it doesn’t mean she enjoys it. It means he has control over her, and she needs help.
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Much thanks to Vicky Charles
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